You’re taking care of baby, but who’s taking care of you?

Lexi Johnson
22 hours ago
9 min read

Postpartum mental health, part 1

Awareness, acknowledgement, and asking for help

Being a new mom can be exciting!

… as well as overwhelming and frustrating.

For many people, motherhood can be very different from how they expected it would be. Many moms find the adjustment can lead to intense anxiety and feelings of self-doubt.

You’re taking care of baby, but who’s taking care of you?

A silhouette of a woman holding a baby looking out the window.

New moms face challenges to their body and mind that the people around them may not fully understand. It’s no wonder that they are susceptible to mental and emotional health difficulties during this period of their lives.

After all…

You’re taking care of baby, but who’s taking care of you?

The pressure on new moms

Connection and support from loved ones is critical during the transition to parenthood or the addition of another little one. All new parents need a “village.” It makes everything more doable.

But many new parents are not surrounded by the support and help they need. And many mothers feel increased pressure from those around them rather than support.

It starts with a lack of understanding.

It’s hard for anyone who has not experienced childbirth to fully appreciate and empathize with what new moms are going through. Even after birth, their bodies continue to morph and hormone changes flood their brains with new and unfamiliar sensations and emotions.

It’s important for partners, if present, to recognize this fact and show the appropriate level of respect, validation, and empathy.

Otherwise, a partner’s lack of understanding of the mother’s experience can quickly become a wedge between them and reinforce a spiral of miscommunication, misunderstanding, and misery.

Additionally, other family members and friends can unintentionally put pressure and emotional demands on new mothers — even when they mean well.

Society’s pressure on moms

Along with the pride of being a mom, it can feel kind of like the whole world is judging you. Our society, culture, and the media paint this beautiful picture of the bond between a new mother and her baby.

The smiles…

The snuggles…

The love…

The joy…

… And a special brand of laundry detergent that’s supposed to make it all possible in a 30-second TV spot!

Then there’s social media. It’s been well established through scientific research that social media is the ultimate unhappiness-through-comparison generator.

It’s not enough that TV shows and commercials make you feel inadequate compared to celebrities. You also get to see the beauty-filter-enhanced pictures your friend posted on Instagram during her highest moments — when she was at her very best!

Looking showered and glamorous.

Holding her baby up while sharing a giggle and a sparkle.

And it starts to feel like everyone else has this magical laundry detergent but you.

So you’re left to wonder…

Why am I struggling?
What’s wrong with me?
Am I doing this all wrong?

Awareness of the situation

It's natural to have doubts and fears.

Having a baby may be the biggest challenge of your life and it will test you in ways you’ve never expected.

But it’s also going to help you grow and blossom in ways you never could have imagined.

So it’s important to have a realistic view of the situation while taking your emotional wellbeing seriously.

The first step in dealing with postpartum doubts, worries and struggles is awareness. Acknowledge the factors contributing to the situation.

Remember that this situation is temporary. And you will get through this.

Even in the absence of officially diagnosed “postpartum depression” (more on that in Part 2 of this series), you have to recognize that you’re in a very difficult and demanding role during this time.

But you must also recognize that it’s temporary. And you will get through this.

Acknowledge the following compounding factors of being a new mom:

You’re not getting enough sleep.
Your routine is chaotic.
You’re under a lot of intense social and cultural pressure.
Your sense of identity is shifting.
You may feel more isolated.

Let’s look at each of these briefly and break it down.

1 - You’re not getting enough sleep. And a sleep-deprived brain does not function like a healthy, well-rested brain. Emotional regulation, self-control, concentration, memory, and basic functionality decrease dramatically.

And this sleep-deprived lifestyle can go on for months when you have a new baby.

2 - Your routine is chaotic. Related to the above, you may feel like your daily routine is becoming unpredictable. Baby humans can be fickle, and their needs can change moment by moment, leaving you feeling like you have less control over your life.

And to be sure, we are creatures of routine. That’s why, under normal circumstances, having a regular bedtime routine and a consistent sleep schedule are core components of self-care: that’s what your body craves.

But for most new moms, that train has already careened off the tracks in a spectacular display of havoc.

Showers, laundry, dishes, cleaning, cooking… these chores may become “optional”… sacrificed in order to ration your energy to meet the more pressing demands of your baby.

That leads to a chaotic environment and loss of your sense of autonomy and internal locus of control. You may no longer feel like you are in control of your own life.

3 - You’re under a lot of intense social and cultural pressure.

Pressure to be a perfect parent…

Whether or not everyone around you is actually judging your adequacy as a parent every minute of the day, it feels as if they are. And different people in your life may have vastly different concepts of what it means to be a new mom.

Statements like, “My baby never cried like that when I put him down for a nap,” or “It’s easy, you just have to swaddle her properly and everything will be fine,” are not particularly helpful.

Unfortunately there is no short supply of unsolicited parenting tips and anecdotes that may be well intentioned but just end up reinforcing a new mom’s biggest fear: “I am a failure as a parent.”

Pressure to put everyone else’s needs first…

On top of this, you’re left to feel like everyone else’s needs must come before your own.

Your baby cannot take care of her own needs, so she requires the largest fraction of your time.
Your partner may be missing the attention you gave them before the baby was born.
A visiting parent needs to know where you keep the bath towels.
And it feels like friends may get their feelings hurt if you don’t make time to update them.

That leaves maybe 30 seconds a day to look after your own needs.

Pressure to balance career and parenthood…

And then there’s the question of your career. How do you prioritize your professional life while attending to the demands of being a parent?

Some women choose to take time off from working in order to spend time at home with their young ones — from months to years. Other women want to continue building their career after maternity leave is over.

It’s unfair that a mother may feel like she has to choose between her baby and her career.

And while some new moms have a choice in this dilemma, others don’t. Financial realities, partner situation, culturally imposed restrictions and other factors may force their hand.

4 - Your sense of identity is shifting. Your sense of value as a human being may become more and more connected to your “success” in caring for your newborn. That makes the expectations from family and friends feel so much more suffocating than they normally are — especially if you’re a first-time parent.

You feel it in your core: You are responsible for the very life of your child.

You cannot let her down.

Under those circumstances, it’s easy to see how your other accomplishments and the other positive things in your life start to feel smaller and smaller.

5 - You may feel more isolated. Having a baby doesn’t have to exclude you from everything your friends do. But, depending on the level of ready support around you and your comfort with other people babysitting your newborn, it definitely can.

Not a fair comparison

Given these factors, it is not fair to yourself to compare your average day to someone else’s best, whether they are a friend, family member, or influencer trying to sell you laundry detergent.

Just surviving with your baby under these demanding conditions is a huge success and should be celebrated!

And we’ve only mentioned some of the challenges new mothers face under normal circumstances. Every mom could probably add a few more, based on their own unique experience.

Even under normal conditions, having a baby is a very challenging and demanding time for moms and their mental wellbeing.

So, to reiterate…

Even under normal conditions, having a baby can be a very challenging and demanding time for moms and their mental wellbeing. It requires courage, resilience, determination and support from friends and family to make it through.

But you WILL make it through.

Monitoring your mental and emotional health as a new mom

Given the challenges new moms face, you can easily make the case that all new moms would benefit from therapy. However, the schedule demands and the constant pressure to always be “on” can make that challenging for many.

Taking care of your mental and emotional wellbeing is one of the greatest gifts you can give to those who love you, care about you, and especially those who depend on you.

That’s where having a solid support network and being able to directly communicate what you need can be immensely helpful.

But it all starts with an awareness of your situation and how your body and mind are being affected, and an acknowledgment that this is a challenging time when doubts and fears are normal.

Lack of postpartum mental health education

Concerningly, it appears that many new moms are not being adequately prepared for the potential mental health consequences that come with a new baby.

Only 24% of women who’ve given birth felt that they received enough information or resources on postpartum depression.

“Despite the prevalence of postpartum mood disorders, only 24% of women who’ve given birth felt they received enough information or resources on postpartum depression, while more than half (55%) say they didn’t receive any or enough information on this topic.” (Christina Lojek, The Harris Poll)

Given this, it can be beneficial to educate yourself about the symptoms women can experience postpartum so you can actively monitor your own mental health.

Going to see a therapist is a good way to keep tabs on your wellbeing and give yourself a safe space to help you process everything — even if you wouldn’t consider it to be postpartum depression.

In Part 2 of this series we will go more in depth about how to recognize postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety and postpartum psychosis and getting the help you need. We hope you’ll join us.

Quick tips for new moms

Acknowledge that you’re in a challenging situation and have a demanding role right now. Doubts and fears are normal. Give yourself a bit of grace and expect some struggles and a lot of learning and growth.
Ask for help. Most friends and family want to help, they may just not know how. So tell them what you need and be specific. Don’t be afraid to sound “selfish.” This is for everyone’s benefit!
Don’t compare yourself with other people’s Instagram moments. That’s not realistic or fair to you or your baby. This moment is about you… not them.
Take care of yourself: Give yourself permission to dedicate some regular time to self-care activities. It’s never been more important to be intentional about taking care of yourself than now.
Consider therapy: Having a dedicated safe space to process all of the changes, talk through intense feelings, and build healthier thought patterns and coping skills can be an effective way to stay on top of your mental health and reduce the risk of things spiraling out of control (more on this below).
Know the signs of postpartum depression, postpartum anxiety and postpartum psychosis (more on this coming in Part 2). Don’t wait to get help.

BONUS: Prioritizing yourself… (at least a little)

It’s never been more important to be intentional about taking care of yourself than it is during this time.

You might feel like adding anything else to your schedule is near impossible, but the benefits can really make it worthwhile — for everyone involved.

It’s a bit like ensuring your own oxygen mask is still on so that you can continue to assist your child. Remember that if you run out of air, you won’t be able to keep meeting your baby’s needs. That’s not going to help anybody.

When understood in this context, it should be clear that self-care is NOT selfish.

So give yourself permission to dedicate some regular time to self-care activities. Whether meditation, light exercise (check with your doctor about physical activity), or even just a relaxing warm bath, the key is to be intentional about it and aim for small things done consistently.

Self-care is NOT selfish. Keeping mom healthy benefits everybody… especially your baby.

Many new mothers find that this is the time to reach out to a therapist for help with their mental and emotional wellbeing.

Having a dedicated safe space to process all of the changes going on, to talk through intense feelings, and to build healthier thought patterns and coping skills can be an effective way to stay on top of your mental health and reduce the risk of things spiraling out of control.

Plus, many therapists offer both in-person and virtual sessions with the option to flex to whichever one works better for you on a given day. That makes it easier to fit therapy into a schedule where no two days look the same.

Counseling can also help you develop resilience and give you the best chance to grow through this important experience.

Those who love you will be glad that you’re taking care of yourself. And the “helpers” that you’ve learned you can depend on will be happy to do what they can to be of assistance.

Prioritizing your own needs like this IS prioritizing the needs of your baby and your family.

If you want to learn more about therapy for new mothers, partners and family members, please contact us.

For immediate support:

Postpartum Support International offers a HelpLine which can be reached at 1-800-944-4773 from 7 a.m.-10 p.m. Central Time. (Note: The PSI HelpLine does not handle emergencies.)
People in crisis should immediately call their local emergency number or the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988.